What Makes Me MAD!
Can I just say that this makes me really angry?!
The above recent social media post represents a common misconception about deconstructing people: That they are doing so only because they want a license to sin. As a pastor whose flock is made up mostly of deconstructing people—who loves them and listens to their stories—I have seen the damage that this accusation has caused. So, I feel the need to respond and set the record straight!
Here are some of my thoughts regarding why this judgment is so destructive:
It’s Untrue: In our work with No Harbor, Caryn and I have listened to the stories of countless deconstructing people. We’ve met very few, if any, who left because they wanted to sin. They don’t hate God – in fact, most truly want a way to follow Jesus, they just don’t know how to do so in the context of the Evangelical church. Consider that the essence of the word “deconstruct” means to undo what has been harmful so that something useful and meaningful can be rebuilt. Most people stick it out in the church as long as they can, but wind up being too hurt to endure any longer. Those who make the above accusation should consider the ninth commandment: “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16).
It’s Uninformed: The judgment that deconstructing people want to “apostatize” is clueless to their stories. Caryn and I have conducted dozens of intake interviews for our No Harbor cohorts. Through them we have learned that there is rarely a singular reason that leads an individual to leave, but rather layers of issues. But almost everyone mentions two main “straws” that broke the proverbial camel’s back: The first is the church’s allegiance with political parties and leaders whose rhetoric does not sound very Christian. The second is Christian leadership that is disconnected and authoritarian, making people feel invisible and voiceless. Other reasons that we hear often are denial of science, abuse and toleration of abuse, exclusivism, lack of acceptance of questions and doubts, Bible difficulties, highly programmed environments that make people feel like cogs in a machine, and lack of meaningful response to issues of justice, especially towards women, people of color, poor people, immigrants, and sexual minorities. The truth is that deconstructing people often feel that it is actually the church that has not followed the teachings of Jesus.
It’s Unremorseful: Whenever anyone points a finger of blame toward someone else, they are simultaneously pointing the same finger away from themselves. Accusations such as the above are usually defense mechanisms, revealing more about the accuser than the accused. Namely, that it is uncomfortable to face one’s own dysfunctions and much easier to externalize. The word “always” deflects all responsibility away from the church and places it all upon the deconstructing person. But let’s consider the facts: two-thirds of people who grew up in the church and are now in their twenties have left. The largest growing religious group in the U.S. are people “who believe nothing in particular,” and the largest source of growth in that group are former Evangelicals. Are we really going to continue to blame others and not look inward to consider how we have contributed to this? It is time for church leaders to listen to the valid concerns of people and repent from its own sin that has greatly contributed to the exodus from the church.
It’s Ungracious: Love believes the best, not assumes the worst. Rather than attack and accuse people who are hurting and disillusioned—regardless of the reasons they might be so—it is always better to start with listening. Posts like the one above serve only to kick people when they are down, thus amplifying the problem of people leaving. This is because the misinformed accusation validates the perception that leaders are harsh and do not listen. Wise and gracious people move toward others rather than feeling threatened by them. It is time to be slow to speak and quick to listen before it is too late.
-John Amandola, Jr.