Gaslighting Deconstructing People
The stabbing wounds inflicted upon deconstructing people so often seem to go unnoticed by Evangelical leaders. Rather, as if they were the ones who have been injured, they take the hurt experienced by people who have left their flocks personally. Take for example the social media post above by a local megachurch pastor who is apparently licking his wounds after watching people flee his congregation. In our No Harbor cohorts, we listen to the stories of the people who “quit.” We feel their hurt and tend to their wounds. And without a doubt, unaccountable leaders are at the top of the list of reasons people leave. With these stories in mind, I have complied a list of ways that a lack of personal accountability, such as what is displayed in this post, has caused so much hurt in the people we are serving:
It Denies Responsibility: This pastor claims the reason people leave is “something goes wrong” in the same way a grill cook mistakenly forgets to hold your onions. Innate in this description is a lack of personal accountability; there is no admission of fault. So, whatever that “something” was, it was apparently out of his control—it went wrong. Rather than “I’m sorry, I caused hurt” or “I made a mistake” he relegates it to a harmless glitch. We have found that people are very tolerant of human error, but they grow tired of leaders who fail to take responsibility for it.
It Blameshifts: Not only does this post deny personal responsibility, but it also makes others responsible—it’s their fault because they are just “not hungry enough.” It’s one thing to be under a leader who denies personal responsibility, it’s a whole other level of hurt (and arrogance) to have that blame dumped upon you.
It’s Gaslighting: When a person in power makes another person question themselves, it is called gaslighting. Accusing people of “quitting” simply because “something went wrong” and telling them they are not “hungry enough” is textbook gaslighting. It shames people into thinking “maybe it is me who is the problem, maybe I’m not committed enough, maybe I’m not hungry enough.” We have found people can hold such false beliefs about themselves for years before realizing that they are being gaslighted.
It Minimizes Hurt: In our experience, most people allow themselves to take quite a beating before finally leaving their churches. I don’t know what went “wrong” in the above post, but I am guessing it caused more significant harm to the people who “quit” than an incorrect hamburger order. His failure to acknowledge that hurt has no doubt been noticed and deeply felt, pouring salt on the wounds of the people he was called to serve and protect.
It Reflects a Poor Vision for the Church: McDonalds competes with other establishments for your business by offering an appealing product at a low cost so you will “keep going back.” Many churches operate the same way—as vendors of religious goods and services with the goal of creating return customers. Deconstructing people do not want to be attendance statistics or consumers. They want to have voices in communities that accept them, not for what they can contribute, but for who they are.
One might reckon that as a pastor with 30+ years of experience and two seminary degrees, I would conclude this blog with some sage advice for this pastor. But I do not write for his benefit; he is who he is. I write to validate the feelings and experiences of the tens of thousands of deconstructing Christians who have no one else to advocate for them. To them I say: We see you – you are not alone. We welcome you with your doubts, questions, opinions, and hurt. You are loved and you are accepted.
-John Amandola, Jr., 5/18/2024
