10 Things Deconstructing People Wish (their former) Pastors Would Stop Doing

I have spent twenty-five years pastoring evangelical churches, and the last five years as the Pastor-In-Residence of No Harbor, helping deconstructing people heal from hurt suffered in evangelicalism. Out of these experiences, I have compiled a list of 10 things evangelical pastors do that have caused and compounded hurt. Let me know what you think. Have you been affected by any of these? What did I leave out?

Blame Shifting: When a person struggling to make sense of faith finally leaves the church, we often attribute it to their “desire to go out and sin.” We dismiss them by saying things like “They just wanted to have sex without accountability.” What deconstructing people hear in statements like this, however, is that we are failing to understand their hurt or to take any responsibility for contributing to it—that we would rather blame shift than listen. In my experience, most people who leave the church still desire relationship with Jesus. They are just too deeply hurt to find him in our churches anymore.

Bait and Switch: The ubiquitous evangelical claim that “everyone’s welcome” may be sincere and well-meaning but, in the experience of outsiders, is deceptive. This is because many benefits of the church community are often indeed only available to insiders. When a non-believer has been excluded from communion, a woman from leadership, or a queer person from membership, after they were told that they are welcome, they feel deceived. If we don’t want to change our beliefs or policies regarding communion, gender, or sexuality, we have that right. So let’s just be honest by not promising that everyone is welcome.

Sticking With the Program: When a black man is brutally murdered by police, or immigrants are snatched from their places of work by the government, or one of many other injustices occur outside our walls, we often simply continue with business as usual, sticking to our current sermon series. This causes the people in our midst who are affected by these events to feel forgotten. Instead, they need us to know that we see and hear them—that we acknowledge and validate their hurt. Our silence when injustices occur is deafening. We are called to have a prophetic voice in the church, not protect the sensibilities of wealthy donors who may be offended.

Culture War: We often make culture the scapegoat for the exodus from the church. We blame “liberal colleges,” communicating that we believe that deconstructing people can’t think for themselves. We blame society and media for corrupting sexual ethics, dismissing the genuine, and very human, feelings of deconstructing people. Then we wage war on culture, infiltrating politics and school boards, working to impose our so called “Christian values.” This communicates a lack of respect for our plural society and creates an “us and them” mentality in the church. Since deconstructing people love and respect their non-Christian friends, they feel they can no longer live in our fortresses.

Apologetics: The western church is obsessed with creating certainty and eliminating doubt. So, we use apologetics to submit evidence. We employ phrases such as “the Bible says…” or “actually,” to convince. More of a product of the Age of Enlightenment than scripture, our emphasis on certainty produces the unintended consequences of isolating people who have sincere doubts and silencing people who have honest questions. So, they say nothing out of fear of being exposed, or even worse, being mansplained. Not every question needs an answer. Our ancient forbearers embraced mystery as a beautiful aspect of our faith, not a threat. We must learn to listen and attend rather than refute and explain.

Political Agendas: Deconstructing people do not have a problem with Jesus. They love him for his solidarity with the “least of these.” They believe him when he says to welcome the stranger, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, help the sick. So, when pastors publicly endorse political parties and positions which are in opposition to these teachings of Jesus, such as keeping out the stranger or defunding programs to feed the hungry or care for the sick, we are perceived as hypocrites with a political agenda disguised as religion.

Shaming “Woke”: To quote The Princess Bride: “You keep using that word, I don’t think it means what you think it means.” To the people who feel singled out when pastors use this term, “woke” means that one cares about marginalized people and recognizes that the principalities and powers of this world are in opposition to the reign of Christ. “Woke” people want peace, which Jesus promises will be the nature of the Kingdom of God. So, when pastors use this term disparagingly, they come across as condescending, ignorant, and callous. Just stop.

Denying Science: From silencing Galileo, to the Scopes Monkey Trial, to rebellion against masks and vaccines during the pandemic, the church has been characterized by suspicion of the findings of modern science. Whether regarding Evolution, Mental Health Science, or Immunology, we refute world scientific consensus by saying that there are experts on “both sides.” This betrays our ignorance and draws a line in the sand: either conform to our agenda or step over the line and be labeled a heretic. When deconstructing people come to understand that modern science is indeed reliable and not out to destroy Christianity, they choose who they believe is telling the truth – and that is not us.

Identity Police: Evangelicalism is characterized by clearly defined identity norms, expecting men, women, boys, and girls all to adhere to our 1950s nuclear family expectations. Then, we ignore the feelings and experiences of non-conforming people. We become identity gatekeepers, singling out those who do not meet our expectations of masculinity or femininity. These people become outliers, and consequently often struggle with finding their true selves after they leave evangelicalism. We ought to instead enforce the biblical identity norm: all are made in the image of God and worthy of dignity and respect.

Perpetuating Abuse: Ask any therapist who treats trauma, and you will learn that there has been a staggering amount of abuse that has been tolerated by or committed in evangelical churches. We have failed to protect our children, we have forced women to stay in abusive marriages, we don’t believe people when they come forward with accusations against church leaders. We exercise authoritarian control and make people believe they are disobeying God if they speak out. Now is the time for deep and true repentance from our idol of self-preservation. We must stop blaming survivors and take responsibility for the massive hurt we have caused. This means apologies, restitution, and true and meaningful change.